It can be difficult knowing how to manage when someone give you a backhanded compliment.
While the message might sound like a compliment at first, it can take on a differ, undermining reasoning when you pay close attention to the word choices.
You may hear these sayings most weeks without even realising. Examples include someone saying things like ‘Wow, you look prettier in this lighting’, suggesting you don’t look pretty in other lighting, or ‘Wow, you clean up nice, which suggests that you typically look a mess.
Rather than jumping to defend yourself or get angry at the individual, etiquette expert Alison Cheperdak, has come up with some simple tips to keep your cool if someone tries to undermine you.
The manners coach and author, who boats 440,000 Instagram followers thanks to teachings of modern manners, says the first thing you can do is to ask if the person giving you a backhanded compliment meant it as a compliment. Another option would be to ask the individual to repeat what they said – as though you did not hear them – so they have a chance to consider what they are saying.
Alison, who shared her tips in an Instagram video recently, explained: “Backhanded compliments are not okay but they a part of life so let’s talk about how to respond to them. My two favourite ways are first to say ‘Did you mean that as a compliment?’, and the second – you can say ‘Can you repeat that’ because it gives a person a chance to say it again or walk it back.”
Alison, who is also a trained attorney, noted that backhanded compliments can come from your friends, family, or partner. But, they are often used in the workplace.
Alison, who lives in the US, added: “And as if we needed another reason not to like backhanded compliments, I learned by way of Mel Robbins, who I love about this Harvard Business School study, that found that people often use backhanded compliments at work as like a power play in order to dominate or come across as more impressive, but it doesn’t work, it makes everyone think less of them when they give them.”
She added: “And then those who receive backhanded compliments in the workplace, they are then disincentivised to produce so it’s an all around bad situation in the workplace and beyond.”
Commenting on Alison’s video, one individual shared how they respond to backhanded compliments, and said: “Always look at them… tilt my head smile a little wider and respond as if I accepted the compliment the opposite way of what was meant (as if the compliment was a positive one,) and walk away, nose in air, smiling, unaffected. But, they’re aware that I caught onto what they really meant and that I don’t sweat their stupid game.”
Another person said: “Backhanded compliments are so insidious. You’re so good at graciously sticking up for yourself. Thank you for your wisdom!” While a third chimed in: “I can’t stand it. Thanks for the tip.”
At Reach and across our entities we and our partners use information collected through cookies and other identifiers from your device to improve experience on our site, analyse how it is used and to show personalised advertising. You can opt out of the sale or sharing of your data, at any time clicking the “Do Not Sell or Share my Data” button at the bottom of the webpage. Please note that your preferences are browser specific. Use of our website and any of our services represents your acceptance of the use of cookies and consent to the practices described in our Privacy Notice and Cookie Notice.
